Parent-Teacher Conferences - The Essential Conversation
The overlapping boundaries between schools and families can create complicated encounters between parents and teachers. At no time is this more evident than in the ritual of Parent-Teacher conferences. In her book
The Essential Conversation: What Parents and Teachers Can Learn From Each Other, Dr. Sarah Lawrence Lightfoot examines this sometimes tense relationship. "The adults come together prepared to focus on the present and the future of the child, but instead they feel themselves drawn back into their own pasts, visited by the ghosts of their parents, grandparents, siblings and former teachers, haunted by ancient childhood dramas." The dialogue can be overshadowed by our own values, expectations and experiences.
In addition to re-living our own traumatic school experiences, we can sometimes feel that our parenting skills are being questioned and judged, as an evaluation of our child’s classroom performance and behaviors are presented. If the news is not what we had hoped, our confidence evaporates and normally assured parents become confused, concerned, disappointed, feeling powerless and even angry.
Parents and teachers can find themselves working against each other, feeling more like enemies than partners focused on advancing the child's education. Dr. Lightfoot quotes Willard Waller's
The Sociology of Teaching: "Both parents and teachers wish the child well, but it is such a different kind of well that conflict must inevitably arise..." A parent's relationship as a primary educator is more intimate, protective and as an advocate. When we ask a teacher to be more "fair" to our son or daughter, we’re actually asking for special treatment. We want the teacher to give extra attention and consideration to the unique struggles and talents of our child. "Teachers, on the other hand," Waller says, "...work hard to find a balance between responding to the needs and capacities of individual students and supporting the development of a classroom community" where children learn needed social skills. Fairness, from a teacher's perspective, is about evaluating each student's performance relative to a set standard, giving equal attention to each student in an objective fashion.
In order to develop a productive working relationship, parents and teachers must
engage in a series of steps that build trust, open up communication and create a
common set of objectives. Both sides must use frank and effective conversations
to inquire and listen, discuss and understand, act and collaborate. Both
perspectives are relevant and vital to fully discovering each child’s strengths
and beauty while accommodating their fears and vulnerabilities. Only meaningful
dialogue and participation by parents and teachers will get our children “home”
safely. Don’t wait until the next conference to start talking!